What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

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When I first encountered this question, it was from a book my aunt gave me as a graduation gift. I brought it with me the very first time I moved to a different city because I figured it would help me. The book is called “Who Moved My Cheese?” It was a sort of children’s story that you, as an adult could learn a lot from.

The question bothered me so much, because I can never seem to figure it out on my own. Usually, I would require third-party assistance in the form of “life advice” or just a plain nudge towards the right direction: the direction that would lead me to answers rather than more questions.

What would I do if I weren’t afraid? Honestly, I have no answer. I can’t even begin to imagine how infinite my choices would be if I was, in fact, fearless. I have excuses for every little thing that could even become a slight possibility. Maybe I’m just being an ass to myself, or maybe, I’m not doing much of a job to self-motivate.

Sometimes however, you have these moments of epiphany, where you realize that the outcomes of your actions are better than how you usually expect them to be. That the means to these “ends” weren’t exactly daunting, all you need to do is take the first step.

Like, why is it really so hard to apply for a job you know you will love and grow in? Why do we fear going up the stage and being in front of a bunch of people even if we know deep inside that we have talent? Why would we not step foot to a place we have never been in, or eat food we have never tasted or even trust people we have never known? Why won’t we allow ourselves to fall for the wrong guy?

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Fear is in our every being. They are those little devils on your shoulder that whisper in your ear to step back when you’re too high up, maybe literally, sometimes figuratively. But is it so bad to be on top? Is it so bad to be so high up on everything that you could see yourself in every possibility? So high up that you can see what you’ve become just because you chose to make the first step. You’re in that certain place where you realize that getting there wasn’t exactly so hard if only you stopped talking yourself down from the beginning of your journey.

Maybe the company will hire you because they see potential in you. Maybe the people will love you because you decided to share your talent. Maybe you’ll fall in love with a place, discover your favorite food, turn strangers into best friends, maybe he may not be the wrong guy after all.

I know these “maybe’s” are not certain, but so are the other hesitations you have that scare you into not doing what you want to do. Obviously, I’m not saying that you should just do these things to call yourself fearless. I simply meant the things you’ve always really wanted to do, but prevented yourself because of reasons you can’t even remember.

Of course there will always be risks, but the positive outcomes usually make you believe that the risks were worth it. If you think you can’t do it on your own, do it with someone who is just as scared. You’ll realize towards the end that you are both pushing yourself to do it, and at the same time gathering the courage from each other.

The best kinds of fears are the ones that you conquered. Some of these take a while, some, you would need a support group or person for. But definitely overcoming your fears slowly will make you realize how tiny your worries were in the first place. It will make you a happier person in general, and that kind of happiness extends to other people as well.

I’m going to start making a list, and I’ll slowly be crossing off things in this list. Maybe you should too…

xx Gizel

Falling in love is like watching a scary movie…

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photo by: myself

Falling in love is like watching a really scary, well-written horror movie. You do it because it’s terrifying and exciting at the same time. The thrill is unlike any other. You start by fully guarding yourself, because you understand what you’ve gotten yourself into. You know the movie will be scary, it will make you scream and cry, it will make your heart jump out of your chest. The monsters will look real, the darkness will be suffocating. You will do anything you can to prevent yourself from making any sort of reaction. But at some point, you unknowingly let your guard down, and in that exact moment, it will let you do whatever it is you’ve been trying to avoid from the beginning. You will scream, you will cry, you will get your fragile little heart broken, and that’s when you realize, the monster is actually real.

I’ve realized that on most nights I can’t sleep, I would try to find a pen and paper and words would start spilling out. I decided to make a new category for my blog called “Words at Two in the Morning” because I’ve had pages of journals, diaries, old notebooks, and blog posts that come alive at this hour. After I’ve finished spilling my thoughts out, I would be able to sleep soundly. Is it just me?

xx Gizel

In No Hurry.

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Forgive me. I’m just being unreasonably giddy.

August is my birth month, and although I was born on the last day of the month, I can’t help but feel lucky whenever I know the calendar page has been turned.

For some reason, August just seems like a lucky month for me.

I’m turning twenty this year. 

 

and I’m dreading it.

 

I made a promise to myself a few months back that I’m going to do something worth it with my life. When I made the decision to stop school, I also decided that I wanted to make something out of myself.

Maybe it was jealousy, or just hidden admiration towards all those successful people that made a name for themselves as teenagers. They became famous bloggers, internet-sensations, celebrities at the age of fifteen or fourteen. Some start out with their passions as young as six or three. Being lost at eighteen didn’t do good for me.

I didn’t feel confident. I felt uncertain of how I was, and I became insecure of those people younger than me who was already so sure of themselves.

I wanted to be like them. Not in the sense that I wanted to be a celebrity, or an internet-sensation, but I wanted to be like them because they already know what they want at a young age and they already have it.

So I made a promise to myself that before I turn twenty, and lose all the bragging rights of calling myself a TEENager, I needed to be able to find my niche and excel there.

Believe me, I have tried. But after being let down and rejected in so many ways, for so many times, one would opt to just remain a hermit and stay indoors, while you cuddle up to your pillows and watch all your TV series on replay.

Falling in love with all these fictional characters are okay, they don’t judge you, unlike the real world.

But eventually, as relaxing as it is to be a bum and watch all of Klaus Mikaelson in all his glory, you get tired of sitting on your ass all day. You start to memorize your grandmother’s repetitive complaints about you being locked up inside your room, not seeing the sunlight, not bothering to exercise, and damaging your eyes with watching TV for almost 24 hours.

Niklaus Mikaelson doesn’t exist in real life.

 

You do.

Your friends do.

And they want to see you too.

 

As tempting as it is to just stay at home at do nothing all day, you HAVE promised yourself that you’re gonna make something out of yourself.

 

Where are you now?

 

 

With thirty days left until I’m turning into the big “Two-Oh,” I’m already panicking because as far as I can see, I’ve done absolutely nothing to fulfill that promise.

Why do I keep making these promises and disappointing myself?

 

The better question is, why am I in such a hurry to grow up?

All of my friends are much older than I am and they are also struggling their ways through life. We are all lost, that is absolutely normal. Some people may have found themselves earlier, but it doesn’t mean it’s too late for me. It’s not too late for anyone.

Nineteen is still too young. Twenty is still too young. Hell, Thirty-five is still too young!

A lot of people are still finding their ways so why should I be in such a hurry?

 

For now, I’m just gonna stop sitting on my ass all day and start doing something. I’m on my internship, technically that’s a different form of sitting on my ass all day, but at least I get something done. I’m not idle anymore, and everyday for me has a purpose other than staring at Joseph Morgan’s adorable lisps.

 

I’m taking it one day at a time.

 

I’m still scared, but twenty is just the beginning.

 

xx Gizel