Falling in love is like watching a scary movie…

Lakeside Weddings & Events, Las Vegas

photo by: myself

Falling in love is like watching a really scary, well-written horror movie. You do it because it’s terrifying and exciting at the same time. The thrill is unlike any other. You start by fully guarding yourself, because you understand what you’ve gotten yourself into. You know the movie will be scary, it will make you scream and cry, it will make your heart jump out of your chest. The monsters will look real, the darkness will be suffocating. You will do anything you can to prevent yourself from making any sort of reaction. But at some point, you unknowingly let your guard down, and in that exact moment, it will let you do whatever it is you’ve been trying to avoid from the beginning. You will scream, you will cry, you will get your fragile little heart broken, and that’s when you realize, the monster is actually real.

I’ve realized that on most nights I can’t sleep, I would try to find a pen and paper and words would start spilling out. I decided to make a new category for my blog called “Words at Two in the Morning” because I’ve had pages of journals, diaries, old notebooks, and blog posts that come alive at this hour. After I’ve finished spilling my thoughts out, I would be able to sleep soundly. Is it just me?

xx Gizel

The Struggles of Finding a Job

Post-college job hunting is terrible! Doing it post-college-vacation is even worse. I mean, who would like to find work after lazing around in the sun for a long time?

Right? I mean no sane human being would prefer being tired, bossed around, and hating Mondays over an endless summer. But let’s be realistic here. No matter how appealing beach life or constant traveling sounds to us, we are not all born rich. Hence, the need for financial stability (and also the realization that we are becoming adults thus encountering terms such as ‘financial stability’ in ordinary conversations.)

You just somehow don’t want to admit that you’re not as special as you think.

But as soon as you start the process-slash-journey or rather, the excursion of finding a job, you realize you’re pretty much just like everyone else.

I know I’ve used this gif a thousand times, but it’s just a true depiction of how most jobless twenty-somethings are when they realize they need to grow up: confused, messed up, and desperate.

But before you begin, you already encounter you first fork in the road, which is the burning question:
What do you actually want to do with your life?


To think four years (or even more) of college has prepared you for this one, but no. Some people change their mind even after all of that. It’s just that, the decision of what job to do is too final, too rest-of-your-life-ish, that you know deep within, that this should be a job that you love, a job you become passionate about; the kind that makes you actually excited to go to work, and not just the to-pay-the-bills kind of thing.

Trust me, I’ve been in a job that I hated, and it’s a real waste of life.

Once you’ve finally made up your mind about the important things (What industry you want to be part of, which companies you want to apply to) you have this certain confidence in yourself. There’s this little person inside your brain telling you:
“Psh, this is nothing, you can handle it! I know you can! How hard can it be?”


And you’re so sure of what you can do. You have a long list of achievements that you’re proud to add to your resume. You believe in the fact that you can be a “huge asset” to the company you’re applying for, and you don’t miss on emphasizing on every single skill you can possibly have.


But lets be honest, half of everything you put in that tiny piece of paper are not true, and the other half are just fancy words used to describe your ordinary skills.

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And now, the next step is to wait…


and wait…


and wait…


Then you begin to realize that you still have too much time on your hands.


Which means, none of those you’ve applied for saw anything desirable in you.


Not one of them saw the potential that you see in yourself.


Then you finally get a phone call, then an email, one after another they keep coming, all to let you know that you don’t meet the requirements, or you don’t fit the description of what they needed, or that they already hired someone else. It’s all “Sorry’s” and “Unfortunately’s” which are becoming redundant, and really, a well-deserved blow to your ego.


Now you will start to think of alternatives, lower your standards a little…2brgrls


But you get another phone call, and an interview, and just like the first ones, they all come at the same time. Things are starting to look up for you.


And then after the interviews, it’s all over. You’ve given everything you have and done all that you could.


And we’re back to waiting…


The waiting game is absolute torture.


And then you get your worst nightmare: REJECTION.tumblr_mdd5t7swtN1r42p92o1_500

A girl can only take so much rejection…


You can hit a new kind of low with this one.

(BTW, Kat Dennings is my spirit animal)

But you know what? This doesn’t change things. You need to have a positive outlook in these situations, because you don’t need to figure everything out right now. You can keep looking, you can start small, you can even change your direction. You have endless possibilities, just as long as you never give up.


Because, soon they will call. And you WILL get the job that you want and need.


Now all that’s left to do is hope and pray they don’t realize how much of a complete weirdo you are, and take back the job they gave you.


Good luck on the hunt!

xx Gizel

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

I have now officially moved to an entirely different and completely far country; and this is not even a metaphor or something, I have had a few weeks to let it sink in but it has not actually happened yet.


I’ve left quite a lot of things back home that I would very much have loved to have brought with me, and this list includes not just material things, but humans too, and if the thought of bringing them here with me would’ve been short of impossible, I’d like it if I could at least have had closure with them. I never said proper goodbyes to everyone I loved, I suck at goodbyes and I hate it. I’m trying to move on with my life. It is not an exact invitation to forget about the past, but it is somewhat convenient that you get through the process a thousand miles away.

And that “process” includes me being left here alone at home bingeing on Netflix re-watching Friends, because hey, how else could you cope being away from your actual friends and family?

This is, a “Friends”- themed narration of my exact feelings before and after I moved:

When I realized I was stuck in a place with people I don’t like and a job that I hate:


Then I finally decided to grow some balls and left:


And when work people tried to get me to stay:


Then I saw myself back home doing exactly what I did when I decided to leave and find a job:


Something is seriously wrong with me:


Then I’m lost again going through the quarter-life crisis, having absolutely no idea what to do next…



Then when news came about me finally getting to leave the country and starting out a new life with better opportunities:

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And then it finally sinks in:


That you’re leaving..


All you’ve ever known…


And everyone you’ve ever loved…




But you know that this next move is for you, and it’s gonna make everything okay.


On the plus side, it’s a good way to start over.


Then you get to the new place:


But you’re all alone…

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And everything is new:


And you start missing your friends:


And you can’t find a right time to talk to them because of the freaking time difference


And you see them making new friends:


 But they call you, and you’re happy again, and you just miss them so much..


And you know you’ll still have them no matter what


So you don’t need to get scared about this next chapter.


Because they’re just a call away..


And well, all you have to do is face it head on.


Get to know the place:


Start fresh:

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Okay, actually START..


  You’ll be okay.


xx Gizel

About tears and feelings.

As far as I can remember, I’ve never really told anyone how I felt about them. “Love” is such a strong word that I couldn’t even say it out loud. Being in love seems so- usual, so ordinary, and yet it’s always been so hard to admit that it could also happen to me.

I can’t seem to imagine myself like everyone else in love, I’ve always hated clichés. I’m one of those girls who’d choose action films more than romance, James Patterson over Nicholas Sparks, or rock instead of rnb. I hated happy endings in movies where the main characters end up together, it’s too… unrealistic. In reality people give up, people get hurt, and they don’t get what or who they want.

I’ve always been strong ever since I was young. I protect my friends from bullies, I fight back to boys who go over the line because I hated seeing my friends cry. I feel uncomfortable when people cry, I’m always clueless as to how I can comfort or empathize with them. That’s why I never let anyone see me cry, it makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I never wanted anyone to see me in that stage. I was always brave, and I was happy about that.

Years later, after all the pseudo-relationships that consisted of me having the hardest time to show any sign of affection or at least admitting that I “liked” them, I met you.

Thus began the hand-holding in public, the kissing and hugging in front of our friends, the actual cliché that I never wanted to be when I was young. I was being weak, but still I guarded myself. I was still cynical; for me, we were just playing. So everytime you’d say you were serious I’d tell you I don’t trust you; or everytime you accidentally say the L-word, I’d glare at you until you take it back, and you always do.

And I thought we were okay…

Until I started falling for you.

I still wouldn’t admit it, I still wouldn’t say it out loud because it would mean I was weak, and by then something was also happening to you. It wasn’t fun for you anymore. I knew I was slowly starting to lose you from my grasp. You wanted more from what I could only give and it went downhill from there. I couldn’t be the girl you wanted, and by the time I was willing to be more than I could, we already ended.

So I started building my walls up again; pretending I wasn’t affected, pretending I was okay, when in reality seeing you everyday physically hurt. I wanted to hold your hand again, and it didn’t matter whether a lot of people could see us, I didn’t care anymore, but I knew I couldn’t do it.

We started being friends again, because at least I could still talk to you, but you know what? It was worse. It hurt even more because that was when I realized that you were already over me and having you back that way meant completely losing you.

As far as I can remember, I’ve always been a brave girl, I’ve never cried in front of anyone, I’ve never told someone how I felt about them, and yet, I told you that I love you while I couldn’t help my tears from falling.

Keeping positive

From my most recent post, I could say that a lot of things have definitely happened to me. It has actually already been six months, and I haven’t even noticed that time was moving.

Since then, I’ve already moved to a different city, gotten a new job, learned a new language, (well, still learning) and met a lot of new people that will probably make a difference in my life.

It’s a funny thing, time, sometimes it’s too slow, other times it’s too fast. It’s never just right. Nothing ever happens to you where you’d feel like “I want to stay like this for a while.” It would always either be “I can’t wait for this part of my life to be over,” or “Wait a minute, everything’s happening too fast.” No matter what the situation is, you’ll always feel like the rug is being pulled out from under you, and always, you’d fall flat in your scrawny little ass.

Aside from time, I have another qualm that seems to be laughing at me and my decisions lately: responsibility. Half your life, you wish to be given the chance to spread your wings and become independent- live on your own, with no rules, no curfew, no parents to tell you what to do. And here you are a few months later berating yourself because nobody reminds you to do this or do that and obviously, without that chiding guidance, you always fail.

So here I am now learning to walk on my own, like a little parent-less toddler, with no one to soothe my butt when I fall. But the thing is, this is normal, and I’m not the only one who is going through this. Millions like me are wishing we were back at our own homes with someone to cook for us, take care of us, and make the right decisions for us.

But this is what growing up is like, it is scary, it is daunting, and most times you’d feel lost along the way. You make the absolute worst decisions, you work for a job you didn’t choose, you hang out with people you don’t feel comfortable with, you miss the people whom you actually hated spending time with, you start becoming unhealthy, you spend for a lot of things you don’t need and you start thinking about things that shouldn’t actually trouble you in your early twenties.

It’s a new chapter, and no matter what happens, you will come out of this a changed person; and as long as you know that you’re strong enough to handle all the new things, you’ll be okay, and you’ll be prepared for the next chapters to come.

xx Gizel


Yes and No

After graduating, (yes I already graduated, finally!) I had hoped to have at least a few months to unwind, relax and RECOVER from 17 years of education. But life apparently has other plans for me. Not more than four days later, I was offered a job at sales. I did not look for it, it came to find me, and as much as I understand how it is an actual opportunity to at least try, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m too afraid to.

The fear of the next chapter is too real for someone like me.


This is now a time for job hunting, embarrassing interviews, new kinds of stresses, failed relationships and an even more extreme dependency for coffee. But here I am looking for great places to get lost to in a short period of time .

And I know EXACTLY what people will say about it.

“That’s not practical.”

“What are you going to do with your life?”

“Do you even have goals?”

“How do you expect to feed yourself without money?”

“Find a job first, then travel all you want after.”

 And I also know EXACTLY how to answer those questions; I know it’s not practical but I still DON’T know what to do with my life and I’m hoping that this bit of soul-searching will lead me to my actual goals. I’m not too picky on food but I’m more specific on experiences that will feed my soul and my being, and I’d rather travel and call it a job, or find a career that revolves around that. You see I am a restless wanderer, and keeping me stuck in a routine will literally make me crazy.

But I know this answer is selfish, so usually to the people who judge my decisions I’d just shrug and say:

Yesterday was the second day for the Panaad Festival which featured a concert where Joey Ayala and Gary Granada will perform.

If you don’t know them, I have no right to ask you if you’ve been living under a rock because they seriously are not that popular, IN THIS GENERATION. But during their time, they were basically legends.

And how is this connected to my current post-grad-quarter-life-crisis? Well, I just happened to spend the whole day with them. (Sometimes my volunteer work in the culture and the arts industry has its perks!)

Yesterday was a fulfilling experience to my heart, mind and soul (and tummy!) The food and company was amazing in a place where nature was overwhelmingly welcomed.



I was again in the presence of people who knew what their passion was and it resonated in everything they did. Sure they were a bit eccentric, talking openly about marijuana, depression, mental disorders and hippie life in the 80′s but being around them made you feel a sort of freedom. Their openness was welcoming and a bit, liberating.

We had this conversation about the educational system in the country; Sir Joey said something about the difference between training and education that “training was teaching you what exactly you’re supposed to do in an organized routine” and that “Education was actually learning by yourself how to handle the surprise attacks of life.” It was pretty deep, and I honestly can’t remember how our conversation led to that but it made me ponder and share my thoughts to the group as well.

“Then in school, we were not being educated, we were being trained.”


I felt cheated. 17 years of “education” which was actually training for employment.

And now, I don’t know what to do next.


The talks about their experiences became sort of life advices for me who is just trying to start out in life. Whatever career I want to pursue, all actions of today will lead to that.

I will still be looking for my passion, and whatever feels like it’s not right for me, I won’t do it; and all the things I think I could maybe do, I will. Yesterday I was told that, I shouldn’t study deeper into the things I’m already good at. It’s there and will still be there for me to improve on and excel in. What I should try to learn will be things I haven’t tried yet, coz then, that’s how I will find my passion.

Learn to say no, and at the same time, don’t let your fears stop you from saying “Yes.”


xx Gizel

Relevant things my Thesis made me Realize.

It’s hard to ask people for money.

I made an event for my thesis to raise funds for housing projects in the organization I am a part of . Given my situation and my cause, you would have thought that people would go out of their way to spare a few amount of cash.

tumblr_n23pr4ME0c1qgo24yo3_250 Sometimes, it makes me think that there are only a few good people left in this world. The hardest thing I had to do for my event was look for sponsors. I didn’t think I would go through all that trouble and get nothing. Or, quite possibly, I suck very much at convincing people.


I am very thankful for those people who DID support the cause and gave financial help. They made me restore my faith in humanity. I can’t thank them enough for their generosity.


People WILL let you down.


People will disappoint you, lie to you, take advantage of you. It’s what they do. People hurt people. And yet you are led to believe that you can find the good in them. It’s okay. Keep trying. No matter how many times you were let down, don’t give up on these people. Keep pushing for the good in them to come out. It’s worth it.


Don’t take everything too seriously.

Many times during the course of my project, I began thinking too deep. And deep overthinking of things that didn’t really matter in the bigger picture got me in trouble. I was lost, I was depressed, I was tired. I felt like a zombie walking around the city, sometimes not having a clue how I got to certain places simply because my mind was too focused on the negatives of my work. I took everything too seriously and it stopped me from being able to think clearly and pause.



Walking is therapeutic.

For some reason I have gotten accustomed to walking. Maybe I thought I was in New York despite the heat and the dirty streets, but I’ve found a certain calm in walking. Because I thought too much about a lot of things, I tended to zone out, and zoning out while on a public vehicle usually got me farther than where I was supposed to be. So I decided to just WALK. No matter how far I had to go to; this past month, I had been walking to wherever I needed to be. Walking made me think better, it didn’t tire me because it made me appreciate the small things around me, and it somehow got me able to  know routes in my city that you never go through when you’re in a car or a jeepney. There’s a certain sense of isolation you get from walking alone, and it makes you feel calm, and relaxed, and free.



Hugs are important.


All throughout the depression and the disappointments, I’ve found hugs to be helpful. There’s actually a scientific study about hugs being able to relieve stress, and now I’m a believer of that statement. I have officially become a hugger. Thanks to the people who shared their hugs! 🙂


Smile at everybody.


There was this one time when I was just walking, and all I could think of were my problems in my project that I didn’t realize my eyebrows were furrowed and my lips were pursed a little too far, until I passed by this old man who was just sweeping the ground outside his house waiting for me to respond to him. He said “Good Morning” with the most genuine and innocent smile that I felt all the muscles in my face rearrange into a smile that mirrors his. I greeted him back, and that smile got me through the rest of the day. Smile at strangers, you don’t know how much it could help them.

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I have the best grandmother in the world.

Because of the stress of last week and everything that had to be done,it’s explainable if I become disoriented, unrelaxed and downright hard to talk to. So on the final day when I had to pass all of my requirements and forget the one very important folder that has everything, there would be no question. Despite my stupidity, my superwoman grandmother went all the way from our house to my university just so I could pass it on time. Thanks lola!



xx Gizel