I’ve been racking my brain about what to write ever since I’ve made the “big step” to launch my blog to the public. First of all, hello to the brand new people, and also to the ones who’s been here from the very beginning!! Welcome to #findgizel I hope you enjoy your stay! Haha
I seriously never imagined the amount of support I would receive by sharing this to the public. I am very grateful that a lot of you are actually interested in what I have to say. I don’t want to disappoint any of you so, in keeping with my promise to write two blogs a month, here is my first one for June: Hi.
There’s been a couple of changes that I have been going through during this month. I moved into a new apartment by myself, I’m in the middle of a management change and turnover at work, and then, there are some intentional changes I’m trying to incorporate in my lifestyle; I’ve been trying to cook a lot more, (add more greens in my diet) been making an attempt to bike home from work at least 3 or more times a week, and I’ve been trying to spend more time with friends.
I don’t know what prompted the motivation in me to make changes. I guess, I’m finally willing to open up more, and that’s probably where publicizing this blog came in. Bear with me, I think this post might lead to a point after all.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always tried my best to cross off things from a bucket list or a to-do list. I usually end up forgetting about said lists and discover them months or even years later. I’ve come to realize that, despite forgetting about the goals that I’ve set for myself, I still somehow manage to achieve them. It almost feels innate. That somehow, what I want to do or who I aspire to be will always be in my subconscious. I would see those lists after a huge amount of time has passed and realize that I’m very proud of myself for actually being able to accomplish it.
I don’t exactly have impossible goals. Most things in my lists are usually my subjective fears that I want to conquer. Who would’ve thought that a girl who wrote “Be able to be alone” six years ago is now spending the day going through the motions by herself? I used to be very dependent on my friends, my parents and my sisters. I couldn’t leave the house without making sure they were gonna be able to meet me. I would not allow myself to be seen somewhere alone because I didn’t want strangers to think that I was such a “loser.” Granted, I was young and naive, and I cared about what strangers thought of me. Now, I feel very much like an adult, eating in restaurants by myself at least twice a week, and basically making friends with the strangers whose thoughts I used to fear.
I wanted to make my old self proud, that’s why right now I am trying to cross off a 3-year old bucket list that I recently revisited. One of the things on that list is to try and be healthy, and do more outdoor stuff. That’s where the gym and the biking, and the nutritious food is coming from.
It has been exhausting! Honestly, for a couch-potato such as myself, it’s been a challenge to leave the confines of my new home. I have (canned) food, I have internet, I have a TV, I’ve got lots of unread books, and I can dance around in my underwear and not get bothered by anybody else. It’s absolutely the perfect setting!
However, with the ideality of this situation for myself also comes the creation of a “comfort zone.” It’s not always a bad thing, but you know how everyone would always tell you to “get out of your comfort zone,” I’ve somehow gone against the norm again and made one for myself instead. I now have a routine and I spend most of my time by myself in my own place.
It’s atypical how I’ve gotten to this point. It’s such an easy lifestyle, but the bright-eyed, goal-driven young Gizel was not imagining this future, when she wrote her old goals. I saw myself being a fit, happy and independent young career-woman. (Half of this sentence is achieved in a way.) But despite how easy and nice it’s been for me, I am also immensely, extremely, and mind-numbingly bored. My “perfect setting” is a place that I never want to get trapped in. The irony is not lost on me.
Somehow, I feel like what I do is set a goal for myself, and when I finally reach it, instead of being happy, I feel inadequate. Now that I’ve come to a point in my life where I’m not stressing about anything, I’m just: bored. That’s not exactly a horrible thing. It means that I will always be expanding my boundaries and that I’ll always be looking towards something to accomplish. But then, I started asking myself:
“At what point does it start getting exhausting?”
“When will I finally find contentment?”
I realized my mistake was that I was trying to find a perfect ending when I should’ve been approaching it differently. Instead of getting frustrated about what to do next, I should be grateful that I got to this point. There will never be a perfect end situation. I will grow older and my perceptions and my goals will adjust to that. So I do what I want, and I become who I aspire to be, and then after that, I will want to do more things, and aspire to be another, better version of myself. Little by little I’m doing these changes to see if it sparks something in me. At this moment, something as small as taking a bike ride home, is giving me a new way of looking at the place that I’m getting bored of. It’s not so bad after all.