About tears and feelings.

As far as I can remember, I’ve never really told anyone how I felt about them. “Love” is such a strong word that I couldn’t even say it out loud. Being in love seems so- usual, so ordinary, and yet it’s always been so hard to admit that it could also happen to me.

I can’t seem to imagine myself like everyone else in love, I’ve always hated clichés. I’m one of those girls who’d choose action films more than romance, James Patterson over Nicholas Sparks, or rock instead of rnb. I hated happy endings in movies where the main characters end up together, it’s too… unrealistic. In reality people give up, people get hurt, and they don’t get what or who they want.

I’ve always been strong ever since I was young. I protect my friends from bullies, I fight back to boys who go over the line because I hated seeing my friends cry. I feel uncomfortable when people cry, I’m always clueless as to how I can comfort or empathize with them. That’s why I never let anyone see me cry, it makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I never wanted anyone to see me in that stage. I was always brave, and I was happy about that.

Years later, after all the pseudo-relationships that consisted of me having the hardest time to show any sign of affection or at least admitting that I “liked” them, I met you.

Thus began the hand-holding in public, the kissing and hugging in front of our friends, the actual cliché that I never wanted to be when I was young. I was being weak, but still I guarded myself. I was still cynical; for me, we were just playing. So everytime you’d say you were serious I’d tell you I don’t trust you; or everytime you accidentally say the L-word, I’d glare at you until you take it back, and you always do.

And I thought we were okay…

Until I started falling for you.

I still wouldn’t admit it, I still wouldn’t say it out loud because it would mean I was weak, and by then something was also happening to you. It wasn’t fun for you anymore. I knew I was slowly starting to lose you from my grasp. You wanted more from what I could only give and it went downhill from there. I couldn’t be the girl you wanted, and by the time I was willing to be more than I could, we already ended.

So I started building my walls up again; pretending I wasn’t affected, pretending I was okay, when in reality seeing you everyday physically hurt. I wanted to hold your hand again, and it didn’t matter whether a lot of people could see us, I didn’t care anymore, but I knew I couldn’t do it.

We started being friends again, because at least I could still talk to you, but you know what? It was worse. It hurt even more because that was when I realized that you were already over me and having you back that way meant completely losing you.

As far as I can remember, I’ve always been a brave girl, I’ve never cried in front of anyone, I’ve never told someone how I felt about them, and yet, I told you that I love you while I couldn’t help my tears from falling.