I’m not hopeless after all.

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There is a big difference between the things I want to do, the things I like to do, and the things I CAN do. And I don’t know why these three groups of things; just don’t go together in the same circles.

Maybe the things I want to do and like to do go together in the same category, but usually it’s coupled with the label: Thing’s I CAN’T do. So basically, I’m hopeless.

But before you could understand how this is all like this, let me introduce myself first.

I’m Gizel. I’m a nineteen-year old student majoring in Communications, but dropped out just a few months before I could graduate. Yes, I’m nineteen, that’s too young for a graduating college student. I am aware of that, but those ages are normal where I’m from. We start school early, and we don’t have to go through extra years.

Just four months and less than twenty units left before I could get that diploma, I made a decision of stopping school. A lot of people really got disappointed with that choice that I made, most of them were my family, and close friends. They were mad, thwarted, and primarily confused. Confused, because I, myself couldn’t give them a proper explanation as to why I stopped.

Maybe I already had an idea then, but I found it hard to explain myself to people who weren’t very accepting of how I saw things.

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The thing is, I’m an artist. As to what specifically, I can’t answer. Simply because I haven’t figured out yet. But I know I have something, that I can grow passionate about, and share to the world. This is how I know I’m not hopeless, because I still believe that even though I’m already too old to start something that could fuel me until the next hundred years, I still look for it.

Chasing after your passion is tricky. You’re open to doing a lot of new things, but there usually are complications that go along with it. Which is how I finally understood the difference between the things I can do, want to do, and like to do. (See? This blog has a point after all.)

For example, after I stopped, I wanted to try out a lot of different things.

Ballet, for instance.

Funny, I know. An awkwardly tall and inflexible nineteen-year-old wants to try out a sport that requires balance, flexibility, and discipline. Three of the things I don’t have.

But I told myself, if this may be the thing for me, I’d give it my best.

So it’s a thing I WANT to do, but it’s a thing I CAN’T do. I can’t do it because in order to enroll myself, I’d have to ask for money, and I couldn’t because when I opened it up to my family, my grandmother told me to be sure that it’s what I really want to do and promise to put my heart into it.

What if I wasted all that money, and it’s not actually the thing I’ve always wanted? That’s what scared me. Adding more disappointment to the people I’ve already disappointed. So, scratch off ballet, and dancing, and probably all the other things that might seem as a passing interest.

Let’s face it. No matter how beautiful I think ballet is, I don’t see myself actually enjoying having it as a career.

Things I can do and like to do:

I used to be really good in photography. Being part of the photography club and its vice president in high school could show you how much I was dedicated to it. I’m even part of exhibits and got top portfolios until I reached college.

My love for film also got me joining filming workshops and getting me high grades in classes like film & TV, Editing, Film Criticism, and more.

So you could say that my hobbies and “talents” include photography, and film making.

But now, it’s not anymore in my list of things I want to do, and LIKE to do.

The depressing thing about it, is when I finally had photography and film making classes, I lost interest. Everything was too technical, and by the book, that you start to lose the art and the identity. It becomes just another good photograph, not something you want it to be.

Maybe that’s just me. If you ask me what the thing I hate the most, I would probably answer conformity. Conformity, and wet shoes (but that’s another story.)

I started hating going to school, learning stuff I didn’t care about, and learning the nitty gritty of the things I loved. I lost interest, I lost spark, and most of all, I lost passion.

I promised my mom I would go back to school, and finish my last remaining semester. No matter how much I hated wearing the uniform, and coming in to class, I’d go back, and finish what I started. Finish university, graduate, and get my diploma. For my family, I would join the norm.

But at the moment, I’m going to rest. Relax before I go back to school. Call it a “gap year” although it’s probably too late to call this stage a gap year, but what the heck.

I will travel, do philanthropy work, and just find my passion. I’ve done quite a few in the five months of “resting” I have a few to go and maybe, this time I plan to take it seriously. No more bumming. My goal, as of the moment is to “find my passion.” I’m not saying I’ll find it in the middle of the time frame I created, but I’m pretty sure I’ll discover and explore new things along the way.

I started this blog because this time I’d like you to join me.

I’m opening up myself to a world I’ve always closed off to, and now I’m sharing it with you. My old blog (http://31overratedhugs.blogspot.com) was more, come-what-may, and it didn’t really have that much readers, I made gizelonline because I want it to be more personal.

I’m not saying this should have lots of readers, but hey, if you’re lost,  just as I am, maybe you’d enjoy reading about the things I’m currently trying out, and you’d also try them out yourself.

Let’s find our passion, together.

xx

Gizel

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• How to Find and Follow your Passion or Calling (liefortruth.wordpress.com)
• Are You A Gap Year Candidate? (smartcollegevisit.com)